Loss Lands Differently with Everyone: Grief and Loss of a Loved One
- Christie Flynn
- 1 day ago
- 7 min read
Grief is a universal experience, yet it unfolds uniquely for each person.
As much as many people tell you how to manage your grief, grief or grieving doesn't follow a set series of instructions that you can follow and fix how you're feeling. Who wants to be fixed?
And grief doesn't look the same from one person to the next.
When loss strikes, it can feel overwhelming and isolating. Understanding the many ways grief can manifest helps us support ourselves and others more compassionately.
This post explores how grief can manifest, the factors shaping how we cope, and practical ways to navigate loss.
We often carry an idea—spoken or unspoken—about what grief should look like. Tears. Sadness. Withdrawal. Or the opposite: strength, composure, moving forward. But the truth is, loss lands differently with everyone, and when we expect it to follow a certain shape, we can miss what’s actually happening.
Recently, my son’s friend lost his father. It has only been a week or so. Watching a young person navigate something so big, so sudden, is a real world reminder that grief doesn’t always announce itself.
He volunteered the information after returning from a day of skiing at a local ski hill. "One of the guy's father died. It's only been about a week. I felt bad for the guy, Mom. I just told him I'm sorry and gave him a hug. He appreciated it. I'm glad we hung out. We're going to try and get him out next week and watch out for him..."
I couldn't help feeling proud of him for those simple actions and also sharing the details. I could tell that it had impacted him, and sharing it with me and my partner seemed to help him as well.
Sometimes the simple act of sharing helps more than we can imagine. The fact that his friends had decided to help take care of their friend in whatever way they could made me feel proud. It's a quiet reminder that grief doesn't always announce itself. Sometimes it shows up in silence. Sometimes in distraction. Sometimes in simply getting through the day. without many words at all. Sometimes it's happiness too while remembering the memories.
He didn't ask for help despite knowing all that I do in helping clients move through grief, loss and many different situations. I'm just happy that he felt open enough to share what he did and explore the possibilities of helping their friend.
Children, teens and young adults often grieve differently than adults—not because they feel less, but because their emotional language is still developing along with experience too.
If you don't know how to help, you can always reach out to a professional who can help as a guide and offer resources.
Sometimes grief doesn't look like tears—it looks like silence, distraction, or simply surviving the day. Sometimes it's happiness too while remembering the memories.
What Grief Looks Like Beyond Sadness
Many people expect grief to mean constant sadness or tears. While a deep sense of sorrow is a core part of grief, it also includes a wide range of emotions and reactions:
Shock and numbness: Immediately after loss, some feel detached or unable to process what happened.
Anger and frustration: It’s common to feel anger at the situation, others, or even oneself.
Guilt or regret: People often replay moments, wondering if they could have done something differently.
Relief, happiness or peace: In cases of a long illness or suffering, grief can include relief that pain has ended. Feeling happy that the suffering has ended IS a relief.
Confusion and difficulty concentrating: Grief can disrupt daily thinking and memory.
Physical symptoms: Fatigue, headaches, or changes in appetite often accompany emotional pain.
Recognizing these varied responses helps normalize what feels confusing or overwhelming.
How Personal History Shapes Grief
No two people experience loss the same way because grief is deeply personal. Several factors influence how grief lands:
Relationship to the person or thing lost: Losing a parent, child, friend, or even a job or pet brings different challenges.
Previous experiences with loss: Past grief can affect how someone processes new losses.
Personality and coping style: Some people express emotions openly, others keep feelings inside.
Cultural and social background: Traditions and community support shape grieving rituals and expectations.
Support system availability: Having friends, family, or professionals to lean on makes a difference.
For example, a person who lost a sibling in childhood may grieve differently when losing a spouse later in life. Understanding these layers helps avoid assumptions about how someone “should” grieve.
Harmful Myths About Grief
Certain beliefs about grief can make people feel isolated or judged:
Grief follows a set timeline: Healing doesn't adhere to a specific timetable. Some people experience intense grief for months, while others may do so for years.
You must cry to grieve properly: Some express grief through silence, action, or other emotions. Tears are good too. Don't get my wrong. I've held space for clients that were surprised when they started to tear up. Something about a safe space releases tension as well.
Moving on means forgetting: Healing means adjusting to loss, not erasing memories.
Grief is not limited to death: It can also arise from divorce, losing a job, or significant life changes.
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Challenging these myths allows space for authentic experiences and reduces pressure to conform to others’ expectations. Grieving without judgement is important. Be watchful of those who judge you for how you're grieving. I often found I couldn't grieve around specific friends or family members and confided in those who would often simply call to check in and listen.
Grief is Shaped By Relationships
Grief is shaped by many things: the relationship we had, how the loss occurred, what support we have around us, and what our bodies and hearts can hold at any given moment. Two people can experience the same loss and walk away with entirely different internal worlds.
Neither is wrong.
And loss itself is broader than we often allow. While the death of a loved one carries a deep and undeniable weight, grief also lives in other experiences:
The loss of health
The end of a relationship
A job or career identity coming to an end
A life transition that changes how we see ourselves
Letting go of a future we once imagined
“Not all grief comes from death—some grief comes from change.”
Practical Ways to Support Yourself and Others
Navigating grief requires patience, compassion and kindness. Here are some helpful approaches:
Allow all feelings: Accept whatever emotions arise without judgment.
Create rituals for remembering: Lighting a candle, writing letters, or visiting meaningful places can provide comfort.
Seek connection: Talking with trusted friends, support groups, or counselors helps process feelings.
Take care of your body: Sleep, nutrition, and gentle exercise support emotional health.
Set small goals: Focus on daily tasks to regain a sense of control. Maybe even take that planned trip. Grieving doesn't mean you have to stop living.
Be patient: Healing is not linear; setbacks are normal.
For example, someone grieving a job loss might find purpose by volunteering or learning new skills, while another person may need quiet time alone.
When to Seek Professional Help
Grief can sometimes lead to prolonged distress or interfere with daily life. Signs that professional support may be needed include:
Persistent feelings of hopelessness or despair
Difficulty functioning at work or in relationships
Thoughts of self-harm or suicide
Substance misuse to cope with pain
Therapists trained in grief counseling can provide tools and a safe space to work through complex emotions.
Embracing the Unpredictability of Grief
Grief does not follow a straight path. It can resurface unexpectedly, triggered by anniversaries, places, or even smells. Accepting this unpredictability helps reduce frustration and self-criticism.
Remember, grief is a reflection of love and connection. It changes over time, often becoming less sharp but still present in new ways. By understanding its many faces, we can approach loss with more compassion for ourselves and others.
One of the most painful aspects of grief is the pressure we place on ourselves to grieve “correctly.” To be further along. To be stronger. To be done with it by now. These expectations can create shame on top of sorrow.
There is no finish line with grief. There is no hierarchy of loss. And there is no timeline that determines when healing should occur.
“There is no correct way to grieve—only an honest one.”
If you are navigating loss—recent or long past—here are a few gentle reminders:
Let grief be what it is today, not what you think it should be
Quiet grief is still real grief
Comparing your process to someone else’s will only deepen the ache
Support should feel safe, not rushed or performative
Healing doesn’t mean forgetting—it means learning how to carry love differently
“Healing doesn’t mean moving on—it means learning how to carry love differently.”
Grief deserves patience. Compassion. And space. Whether your loss is visible or invisible, fresh or layered over time, it matters. You matter.
If you’re navigating loss, uncertainty, or a transition that has shifted your world, you don’t have to do it alone. Support doesn’t erase grief—but it can help you feel less alone as you learn to live alongside it.
“However, loss is landing for you—your experience is valid.”
So, when it gets to be too much... here are a few suggestions. As much as I wanted to do nothing or keep busy, I often found comfort in a walk outside, hugging a tree. As my other son (Jacob) recently realized the benefits of hugging a tree... "Mom, have you ever hugged a tree? Do you know how good it feels? It's a real thing and not just some kind of woo-woo thing." I may have laughed to myself despite having told him many times. Sometimes people need to figure it out on their own to acknowledge the benefits. He even sent me a study on the impact of hugging a tree, or "grounding."
What was one helpful resource that made the difference for you?
If you enjoyed today's blog, feel free to read through the list of blogs I've shared or reach out if this resonates.
Warmly,
— Christie
About the Author
Christie Flynn has spent over two decades supporting individuals and families through grief, loss, and life transitions.
Her journey into this work began not by choice, but by necessity. When Christie lost her mother to Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma in 2003 at age twenty-four, she found herself navigating not only profound grief but also the responsibilities of serving as executor of her mother's estate and caring for her younger sister. The experience transformed her understanding of loss, resilience, and what it truly means to heal.
Drawing from her personal experience and professional training, Christie has worked with thousands of clients experiencing various types of loss—death of loved ones, divorce, career transitions, illness, and other life-altering changes. Her approach combines practical guidance with deep compassion, creating space for people to grieve authentically while finding their path forward.
Christie believes that grief is not a problem to solve but a testament to love, and that healing doesn't mean forgetting—it means learning to carry both sorrow and joy. She is an advocate for self-care, authentic expression, and the power of community in the healing process.
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